Ten Secrets You Didn't Know About The Marauders
by Sadie Lovegood
Summary: A response to a challenge in The Reviews Lounge. The Harry Potter 'cliques' get together each for an exclusive interview to reveals their deepest, darkest, and sometimes creepiest secrets!
1. Strippers, Butterflies, and Denial

"**Ten Secrets You Didn't Know About the Marauders"**

_**A/N: **__A response to cupid-painted-blind's "Twenty Facts" challenge. But I can pull it off in TEN! Enjoy!_

_**Summary: **__The four Marauders comment on 10 secrets you may not have known about them. _

_**Rating: T-14 for random stupidity, mostly. **_

_**WARNING: There are some DH spoilers towards the end!**_

* * *

"_Okay, so can we do this now or not?"_

"_Okay, Sirius, relax. We'll get this over with, right?"_

"_You better damn well hope Kreacher doesn't shred the house apart, Remus. You signed us up for this stupid thing…"_

"_I promise."_

"_Why is SHE here?"_

"_I'm a Marauder too, James!"_

"_Ah…technically, you're not, Evans."_

"_Let's just hurry up, OKAY?"_

"_Fine, Sirius."_

"_And can we PLEASE not have anything embarrassing revealed about us? I'm not to keen on this "Ten Secrets" deal, and never have been."_

"_It's not up to us…"_

_"Oh, who asked you, Wormtail?_

* * *

**Secret #1: James crushed on Lily since second year.**

JAMES: WHA?!?!?

LILY: That was the year I tattled on you for making Ralph Henderson eat slugs!

JAMES: Who said I EVER liked Evans?! I DON'T!

SIRIUS: Evidently, the bold-type guy who wrote this.

REMUS: It's a girl who wrote this.

SIRIUS: Who says?

SADIE: I say!

SIRIUS: Oops.

LILY: Whatever you say, James. I know you're in denial.

PETER: I have a medicine that can cure that right up for you, James.

* * *

**Secret #2: Sirius was the one who put glue on Remus' toothbrush third year.**

REMUS: I knew it.

SIRIUS: No you didn't.

* * *

**Secret #3: The Marauders are the reason no one can Apparate in and out of Hogwarts. **

SIRIUS: Hold on, hold the phone! Why do all four of us get credit, when ALL the credit is rightfully MINE?

JAMES: Because AFTER you got lost, we all had to Apparate around to find you and then WE got lost.

SIRIUS: We were fifth years!

REMUS: Was I the only one who got lost and next found themselves lying in bed next to a House-Elf?

PETER: Nope.

LILY: Anyway, thanks to you bozos, NO ONE can Apparate at Hogwarts now. I don't really see why U had to be punished for your—

JAMES: Cram a sock in it, Evans.

SIRIUS: Save the flirty-talk for later, James.

* * *

**Secret #4: Remus took Lily to the Yule Ball their fifth year.**

REMUS: Oh, yes, I meant to tell you that, James, but…

JAMES: Why? Why would I care?

LILY: Denial.

SIRIUS: If you didn't care so much, how come you made Peter take Polyjuice Potion to become a girl so you had a date?

JAMES: Who said that had ANYTHING to do with Evans?

PETER: I still have that dress in my closet. I think of you every time I see it, James.

JAMES: That's creepy.

* * *

**Secret #5: The Marauders used Remus' lycanthropy as an excuse to party in Hogsmeade after curfew. **

JAMES: --laughs-- Good times, good times.

SIRIUS: You said it!

REMUS: You never did invite me to those parties.

JAMES: Well, you WERE 10 feet tall and howling under the full moon for most of the time. We couldn't risk it.

REMUS: Risk what?

SIRIUS: Having you eat all the caviar before any of us got to it. That stuff was expensive.

PETER: And it left a bad aftertaste in your mouth.

REMUS: I see. But you could have at least brought me back a butterbeer.

SIRIUS: We would have, but the strippers distracted us a lot of the time.

REMUS: I hate you.

* * *

**Secret #6: Sirius lost his virginity fourth year.**

SIRIUS: Um…they didn't need to know that one.

JAMES: That's okay, none of us saw that one, right?

PETER: Right.

REMUS: Right.

LILY: Uh….you promised not to tell anyone, Sirius!

SIRIUS: They had cookies!

* * *

**Secret #7: James' Animagus form wasn't originally a stag. **

SIRIUS: Okay, THAT one I didn't even know! What was it before?

JAMES: Um…

PETER: You can tell us, it's only the five of us.

REMUS: And the approximately 100+ readers who look at this interview later.

JAMES: Before I was a stag, I was a butterfly.

LILY: Okay, there's just too much to mock you with right there.

JAMES: So I purposely traumatized myself with butterflies to change my form!

REMUS: How can you possibly traumatize yourself with BUTTERFLIES?

JAMES: Peanut butter works wonders, my friend. Let's just leave it at that.

* * *

**Secret #8: Remus and Severus Snape were childhood buddies.**

SIRIUS: WHAAAT?!

JAMES: That's disgusting…even for a werewolf, Remus.

REMUS: I'm sorry! My mom knew his dad from church, and we went to Sunday school together, and who knew we both liked Alfred Hitchcock movies?

PETER: You went to the movies with him?!

REMUS: Just a few times!

JAMES: Is secret number nine going to be that Remus and Snape got married and had babies together?

**Nope, sorry James. **

JAMES: That's okay.

LILY: I hate you.

JAMES: Shut up, baby.

LILY: huh?

JAMES: I…er…you smell. Bad.

LILY, SIRIUS, PETER: Denial.

* * *

**Secret #9: Peter has an Imperius spell over Sirius that endures to this day. **

SIRIUS: That's a lie!

PETER: No, it's not.

SIRIUS: No, it's not.

JAMES: --laughs—Peter! Make him disco!

PETER: Dance, monkey, dance!!! MWAHAHAHA!!

--Sirius gets Disco Fever--

REMUS: Whoa…easy on the coffee, there, Peter.

LILY: I dunno…what we could do with an espresso maker and a sombrero might be interesting…

* * *

**Secret #10: The Marauders all know what's going to happen to them in the future. **

JAMES: Nope. We will NOT be married and have a son who will defeat Voldemort!

LILY: Yes we will…we'll just be dead before we see him defeat Voldemort.

JAMES: That's scary how you're all calm with that. It's emo.

LILY: Emo?

JAMES" It's a slang term describing depressed/gothic-punk/suicidal youth culture that will become popular in the new millennium.

LILY: I'm glad I'll be missing THAT.

REMUS: I still can't believe that's I'm going to end up marrying, having a baby with, and then dying beside some moody little twit who's currently 3 years old!

SIRIUS: Ha ha, you're going to marry a toddler!

REMUS: You're not going to marry ANYONE! Besides' she's going to be in her twenties by the time that happens. By the way, I'd be nice to Bellatrix if I were you.

SIRIUS: Why start now? She's such a fruit.

JAMES: You know, Remus, old guys marrying young chicks and then dying beside them is actually quite a growing fad.

REMUS: I hate my life.

JAMES: That reminds me, Peter, time for your daily punishment for betraying me and Lily and then framing Sirius and getting him shoved in jail, then resurrecting the Dark lord and causing the Second War that kills everyone in this room who isn't already dead at that time…

PETER: Man, you hear ONE rumor!

JAMES: NOW!

PETER: Fine, I'll get the handcuffs…

LILY: Can I whip him a few times?

JAMES: No.

LILY: Why?

JAMES: Because I hate you.

REMUS, SIRIUS, LILY: Denial.

JAMES: STOP SAYING THAT!!!

* * *

**Secret #11: James is in denial.**

JAMES: No! Who asked you anyways? There were only supposed to be TEN secrets!!

* * *

**Secret #12: James will shut up now before the bold-type girl writing this interview slaps his behind until it bleeds.**

JAMES: Fine, meanie.

SIRIUS: That'd be sexy to watch if it was the other way around…

* * *

**Secret #13: Sirius can come see me later and we can arrange that between us if he so desires. **

SIRIUS: Nice.

JAMES: Hey, how come you like him better?

* * *

**Secret #14: Because he's single.**

JAMES: SO AM I!!!!

LILY: Denial!


	2. Pies, Puns, and Drag Queens

_**A/N: **__I decided to make a series out of this!! YAY!! I'm going to be grouping everyone up and doing like I did for Chapter one! Enjoy!_

**PART II: Ten Secrets You Didn't Know About the Order of the Phoenix**

**

* * *

**

"_Okay, let's get the ball rolling!"_

"_EYE think so too, Kingsley, EYW certainly do!"_

"_Mad-Eye, you can stop with the eye puns now."_

"_No fighting, Arthur will be home any minute with the cookies!"_

"_I hope he didn't get raisin again, Molly."_

"_EYE hope not either!"_

"_The puns are really getting on my nerves too."_

"_Stop whining, Nymphad—"_

_**WHACK!**_

"_Ow!!!"_

"_Now…what was my name?"_

"_Ai…ai…ai…"_

_

* * *

_

**Secret #1: The Order of the Phoenix started out as a dance group.**

KINGSLEY: Well, what do you expect us to DO for 14 years whole You-Know-Who was a tiny little fetus thingy?

TONKS: I liked when we did "Lord of the Dance." I danced the lead in that one!

MAD EYE: How come I wasn't the Lord?

MOLLY: Because you looked better as the evil masked guy!

TONKS: You're already half way there!

MAD EYE: EYE am offended.

KINGLSEY: Do we need to get out the tranquilizer gun, Moody?

MAD EYE: Not again! Sorry!

* * *

**Secret #2: Molly Weasley and Kingsley Shacklebolt had an affair at 12 Grimmauld Place when Arthur had his back turned. **

MOLLY: Well, I never!

KINGSLEY: Yeah you did. Remember, we were bored, Sirius was asleep and we whipped out a margarita maker?

MOLLY: Shut up or I'll turn you into a toad.

TONKS: And they thought me crushing on Remus was bad!

* * *

**Secret #3: Mad Eye's eye is a fake.**

MAD EYE: Actually, it's a Burger King toy I stuck up my empty eye-socket as a kid and never got out.

KINGSLEY: You don't say?

MAD EYE: Oh, yeah, and that's not all I crammed up my eye socket as a lad. There's a wad of string cheese, some grass, a mascara wand that my sister is STILL looking for…

TONKS: Hey, she borrowed money from ME to pay for a new one!

MAD EYE: An butterbeer bottle cap…

TONKS: _YOU OWE ME 2.95, MOODY!!_

MAD EYE: Some pizza crust…

* * *

**Secret #4: Until she got Remus, Tonks slept with Sirius Black. **

MOLLY: Ugh! He's your COUSIN!

TONKS: What can I say? Remus wasn't giving me any, and a girl has needs, right Molly?

MOLLY:…………..

MAD EYE:……….

KINGSLEY: I know what you mean…he's good looking too!

TONKS:……….

KINGSLEY: You didn't hear that.

* * *

**Secret #5: The Order holds an Olympic Tournament against the Death Eaters every four years. **

MAD EYE: Again, we were bored while Voldemort was a wrinkly little fetus thingy!

KINGSLEY: Remember last year I beat Antonin Dolohov in the Snitch-put?

MOLLY: You didn't beat Antonin Dolohov! Bellatrix put a body-bind curse on you right before you threw it!

MAD EYE: My favorite event is the ice dancing. Lucius Malfoy falling on his ass after the double salchow and getting ice spray up Aberforth Dumbledore's nose was to die for!

KINGSLEY: Here, here!

TONKS: All I remember was Remus and I did the three-legged Quidditch game together! His leg is so hairy and warm!

MOLLY: I didn't hear that.

TONKS: Yes you did, you're sitting right next to—

MOLLY, MAD EYE, KINGSLEY:_ I DIDN"T HEAR THAT_!

* * *

**Secret #6: Another past time the Order of the Phoenix used while Voldemort was a wrinkly little fetus thingy was opening up a drag club on the corner of fifth and Vine. **

MAD EYE: We called it "The Magic Wand-Benders!"

TONKS: I love Remus Lupin.

KINGSLEY: Mad Eye and I were the main attraction! We sang "Lady Marmalade" in pantyhose!

MAD EYE: THAT was fun!

MOLLY: THAT was a nightmare! It took me three years to convince Percy that being a drag queen WASN'T a productive and satisfying career!

TONKS: He hasn't improved much since then, hasn't he?

MOLLY: Er…not really…

* * *

**Secret #7: Kingsley STILL dresses in drag when nobody's looking. **

KINGSLEY: I do not!

MOLLY: Kingsley, it's fairly obvious you still do!

KINGSLEY: You have no proof!

MAD EYE: What about the Wonderbra you're wearing underneath your robes?

KINGSLEY: It's for my back problems!

TONKS: A likely story…

MOLLY: You're also wearing heels.

KINGSLEY: They also help with my postural issues!

TONKS: I love Remus Lupin.

* * *

**Secret #8: Molly Weasley's pumpkin pie recipe came from a magazine. **

MOLLY: NOOOO! How DARE you say that?!

TONKS: I knew it tasted a bit generic…

MAD EYE: How could you betray us like that, Molly?

KINGSLEY: I can't even look at you right now!

TONKS: I love Remus Lupin.

MOLLY: --sobs—

* * *

**Secret #9: Mad Eye had a secret love affair with Voldemort and still writes him regularily with clearly-addressed envelopes explaining every moce the Order makes and plans to make.**

TONKS: I still can't believe you're pies are from a MAGAZINE!

KINGSLEY: I'll never look at you the same way again, Molly.

MAD EYE: A disgrace. It really is.

**He also has a Dark Mark on his arm and is Voldie's right-hand man.**

MOLLY: I'm sorry, but when you're building a pie from scratch…

KINGSLEY: You're banished from the Order for a week because of your brutal and blind-sighted betrayal of us, Molly!

MOLLY: Fine, make your damn eggs yourself! –Gets up and leaves—

TONKS: I love Remus Lupin.

KINGSLEY, MAD EYE: _SHUT UP, WE KNOW!!!_

* * *

**Secret #10: Tonks loves Remus Lupin.**

TONKS: You couldn't come up with a better secret?

**It was all I could think of. You Order people suck.**

TONKS: Oh, well, I really can't argue with you there.

MAD EYE: I still feel betrayed.

KINGSLEY: Can anyone get me my purse? My cover up is in there…I think I'm getting a zit.

* * *

**_Next Interview: 10 Secrets You Didn't Know About the Death Eaters!_**


	3. Farts, Tapioca, and The Mafia

**PART III: Ten Secrets You Never Knew About the Death Eaters!**

* * *

"_Before we begin…are you a pureblood?"_

**I…guess…so?**

"_That didn't sound definite. Bellatrix, if you don't mind?"_

_  
"CRUCIO!"_

…………

"_Crap."_

**Can we do this, please?**

"_My cursey-wursey didn't work!"_

"_Cursey-wursey?"_

* * *

**Secret #1: Azkaban is really a disco. **

LUCIUS: Damn straight it is.

DRACO: Why do you think all the Death Eaters are bad? So we can go par-tay in Azkaban!

LUCIUS: Cissy and I are a big hit on ABBA karaoke night!

BELLATRIX: I happen to be reigning queen of Travolta Fever Night!

CROUCH JR: I should've been the queen!

LUCIUS:……….

CROUCH JR: King.

* * *

**Secret #2: Draco just farted. **

DRACO: Sorry.

LUCIUS: Ugh! Son, crack a window! Your ass is an environmental hazard waiting for a Taco Bell!

CROUCH JR: GAG!!!

BELLATRIX: I like it! Smells like the Dark Lord's own toots!

DRACO: You really think so, Aunt Bella?

BELLATRIX: I do!

DRACO: I love you, Aunt Bella!

BELLATRIX: I love you too, Draco!

CROUCH JR: --suffocates—Oxygen! Yargh!

* * *

**Secret #3: Okay, this is getting gross fast. Crouch Jr. and Bellatrix have five kids together. **

BELLATRIX: Well, I very well couldn't wait for the Dark Lord to hit puberty, now could I?

DRACO: You were a teenager?

BELLATRIX: I was thirteen!

CROUCH JR: Yes, and our beautiful quintuplets Noreen, Maureen, Kathleen, Colleen, and Jake are older than you, Draco!

BELLATRIX: Kids, if you're reading this, teenage pregnancy is the best thing that can happen to you!

LUCIUS: Careful, Draco has virgin ears!

DRACO: Meanwhile, Rodolphus Lestrange is wondering how the hell he got five stepkids who are more-than-half his own age…

* * *

**Secret #4: Lucius Malfoy and Draco go to father-son picnics on Sundays with Arthur Weasley and Ron. **

LUCIUS: Lie!!! CRUCIO!!!

…………

LUCIUS: Oh, crapsicle.

**Curses don't work on narrators, dumbass. **

LUCIUS: Nobody told me this.

BELLATRIX: Me neither, Lucius.

LUCIUS: --sobs—I feel so powerless!

* * *

**Secret #5: The Dark Lord does ballet. **

CROUCH JR: WHAT!??!!

BELLATRIX: Say it ain't so!!!

DRACO: I FEEL SO ALONE! I WANT PUDDING!!!  
LUCIUS: NOOOO!!!!!!!!!

**Heh heh, just teasing!**

CROUCH JR: Huh? Why the hell would you do that?

**Because you guys bug me. **

LUCIUS: Um, that's the point of being the bad guys. We do that.

**You all have anger management issues. **

DRACO: Pudding…pudding…pudding...

**Uh, is he okay?**

BELLATRIX: No, but then again, he never was.

CROUCH JR: --sniff—I think he farted again.

* * *

**Secret #6: The Death Eaters are distantly related to the Corleone Family.**

LUCIUS: Finally, something to be proud of!

BELLATRIX: Mike is my great great grandfather's third cousin twice removed on my fifth cousin's side times ten to the third power.

LUCIUS: I didn't know that!

CROUCH JR: You didn't see it? We're like a wizarding mafia, and the Dark Lord is our Godfather!

BELLATRIX: Can't argue with that! Now all we have to do is shoot someone in a restaurant and put a horsey head in some guy's bed! Besides, I am SOO Italian, chum! I don't know where you didn't see my Italian side! Now, who wants a spot of tea and a nice piece of fruitcake?

LUCIUS: Me, mate!

DRACO: Pudding…pudding…pudding…

* * *

**Secret #7: Draco is a spy for the Order of the Phoenix. **

DRACO: Pudding…pudding…

LUCIUS: Yeah…we're not too worried about that one.

* * *

**Secret #8: You can buy the Death Eater's first CD for 15.96 at Borders now!**

CROUCH JR: Ah yes! _The Death Eaters Sing Disney Songs!_

BELLATRIX: My solo in "It's a Small World" is Grammy-worthy!

CROUCH JR: Oh, Lucius, no offense, but Cissy was flat during your "A Whole New World" duet. She's an alto, DEFINITLEY not a mezzo-soprano.

LUCIUS: None taken. The profits are for a very worthy cause…

CROUCH JR: Resurrecting the Dark Lord, of course!

BELLATRIX: We've also got tours in the works.

LUCIUS: That's right! This summer, The Death Eaters are going to be touring Scandinavia and Russia. Tickets are only 395 galleons each!

**Hey, that's overcharging!**

CROUCH JR: We're evil, remember?

DRACO; Pudding…pudding…

BELLATRIX: Oh, for god's sake, give the kid some pudding.

LUCIUS: --thrusts a Snack Pack at Draco—Knock yourself out, kid.

DRACO: Yay!!!

* * *

**Secret #9: That's not Lucius' real nose. **

LUCIUS: No big secret there.

BELLATRIX: Wait…why did you get your nose done?

LUCIUS: Because the Malfoys are traditionally very HOT people! My nose was bigger than…Snape's.

BELLATRIX: GASP!

CROUCH JR: You poor baby!

LUCIUS: I know, I know! But it's all fixed now!

DRACO: CHOCOLATE?! I wanted TAPIOCA!!

LUCIUS: Oh shut up, Draco. Daddy's having a moment!

* * *

**Secret #10: The Death Eaters don't really eat death. **

CROUCH JR: No shit, Sherlock.

BELLATRIX: Wait…I thought we did that one time in Southampton?

LUCIUS: No, that was cotton candy, Bella.

BELLATRIX: Ok, I see. But…we really don't eat death, then?

CROUCH JR: Um…no.

BELLATRIX: Screw that, then! I'm joining the Order! –Gets up and leaves—

LUCIUS: But…if we DON'T eat death, then why are we the Death EATERS?

CROUCH JR: It's more of a metaphor that symbolizes us CONQUERING death, etc., etc.

LUCIUS: Then why aren't called the Death Conquerors?

CROUCH JR: Voldemort couldn't spell 'conqueror' right for the t-shirts.

LUCIUS: That's right.

DRACO: Where the bloody hell's my tapioca?!

* * *

_**Next Interview: 10 Things You Didn't Know About the Weasley Siblings!**_


	4. Dragons, Slugs, and The Brady Bunch

**PART IV: Ten Secrets You Never Knew About the Weasley Siblings**

* * *

"_Okay, we need to be quick about this, because Mum doesn't know we're up here."_

"_She's at the store and will be back in 20 minutes."_

"_I have to get back to work…"_

"_You suck, Percy."_

"_You're a werewolf, Bill!"_

"_Not really, just ruggedly handsome. Anyways, at least I have a hot French girlfriend!"_

"_Men: they suck even if their your own brothers."_

* * *

**Secret #1: "Ginny" doesn't really stand for "Ginerva." **

GINNY: Nope.

CHARLIE: I never knew that!

BILL: Then, what does it stand for?

GINNY: Father's alcoholism from having six sons and no daughters to keep their asses in check.

PERCY: Very understandable.

* * *

**Secret #2: The Weasley siblings antagonize The Brady Bunch.**

PERCY: Damn straight!

CHARLIE: I mean, seriously! We have one more kid than they do!  
FRED: Not to mention, red hair beats blonde hair's sorry ass any day of the week!

GEORGE: Straight up, brother!

GINNY: I'm cuter than that whining little bitch Cindy any time!

BILL: And we sing soooo much better than them anyways…well, everyone except Charlie.

CHARLIE: Hey, what can I say? I'm the Alice of the group!

GINNY: If only you didn't smoke so much.

CHARLIE: I live with dragons, I can't help it!

GINNY: Charlie was actually the inspiration for the Muggle hit "Puff, the Magic Dragon!"

FRED: And all the Muggles thought it was a drug song!

GEORGE: When in reality, it meant something so much worse…

CHARLIE; And what was that?

FRED, GEORGE: YOU!

CHARLIE: I hate you.

* * *

**Secret #3: Percy is in the closet.**

PERCY: No I'm not! I'm sitting right here!

FRED: Actually, she means that you're in denial about being gay.

PERCY: WHAT? No way!  
BILL: Denial.

GINNY: Sorry Bill, the 'denial' bit was used in the first interview. Using it again would be overkill.

PERCY: I am not gay! I have a girlfriend…she lives in Canada.

GEORGE: Ha!

PERCY: NOT GAY, PEOPLE!!!!

CHARLIE: See? He IS in the closet!

GINNY: So far, we have a dragon-smoker, a gay, a part-werewolf, and a girl named after an alcoholic beverage, and it's only the 3rd secret and Ron's not even here.

FRED: And those MTV gits had to go and give the show to the Osbournes!

GEOGE: They don't know what they're missing.

* * *

**Secret #4: Fred briefly played Boc in the West-End production of "Wicked" the summer before his seventh year. **

FRED: I've got the voice of an angel!

GEORGE: Yeah, just one problem…that was ME!

FRED: Liar!

GINNY: Oh please, and we thought Percy was gay! You two are fighting over a musicale role!

FRED, GEORGE: EAT SLUGS!

GINNY: Gag…--barfs up a slug—

BILL: Ew.

* * *

**Secret #5: Bill cheats on Fleur with Nymphadora Tonks. **

BILL: Do not.

PERCY: Don't deny it. Your our hero. Fleur's an annoying French witch.

GINNY: Tonks is into Lupin, though. –Ralphs a slug---

BILL: But she needs her young and hot action on the side, right?

CHARLIE: I thought she was with Sirius on the side?

BILL: We had threesomes on weekends.

GEORGE: And you didn't invite us?

BILL: Then it wouldn't be a THREEsome!

FRED: Slut.

GINNY: --gag--- Overkill.

* * *

**Secret #6: Watch out, Percy. Fred's about to dump a hovering bucket of marinara sauce on your head. **

PERCY: huh?

--Dump—

CHARLIE: ARGH! You MISSED, Fred!

FRED: Crap.

CHARLIE: No, marinara sauce!

* * *

**Secret #7: George and Ginny used The Weasleys as comic material on "The Last Comic Standing" last year. **

GEORGE: I won!

GINNY: --gag—Because you used the joke about Charlie's gland disorder before I went on!

CHARLIE: Gland disorder?

* * *

**Secret #8: Oh yeah, I guess I should have said this one first: Charlie has a gland disorder that renders him incapable of reproducing. **

CHARLIE: Who says?

GINNY: Mummy told us! –hurls two slugs—

BILL: She always told us not to tell you, and…oh…oops.

CHARLIE: How come Mum never told me this? She always said it was natural for Weasleys to be smaller in the pants!

FRED: Yeah, that explains how I got Penelope Clearwater pregnant without even trying!

PERCY: WHAT?!?!?! She said that was Immaculate Conception!

GEORGE: And you believed her?

PERCY: Damnit. I wanted to be the father of God!

GINNY: Dork. –barfs another slug—

* * *

**Secret #9: Percy is still gay. **

PERCY: That's just cruel.

**I know. That's why it's funny!**

FRED: Are you our long lost triplet sister?

**I wish!**

GEORGE: Fred, I think she's our triplet!

GINNY: Finally, another sister! –Gags a slug-- Hey, Bill, is that REALLY where babies come from?

BILL: No, they come from Wal-Mart, where there is convenience shopping at rollback prices!

* * *

**Secret #10: One of The Weasley siblings isn't a Weasley…they're a Polyjuiced version of Snape, and you must find out who it is and cast them out!**

FRED: I vote Percy.

GEORGE: Percy.

BILL: Percy.

CHARLIE: Percy.

GINNY: --gag—Percy.

PERCY: What? How could you vote me out like that? I was backdoored and I didn't even get a chance at the Veto competition!

**Percy, by a unanimous vote, you have been evicted from the Big Brother house. **

PERCY: Backdoored! Damnit! –Storms out of the house.—

FRED: --high-fives George—Chilltown strikes again!

GEORGE: Woot!

GINNY: --gag— Overkill.

CHARLIE: Was Percy really Polyjuiced Snape?

**No. **

CHARLIE: Then who was?

**Nobody. Percy just irks me. **

BILL: Me too.

**Who wants bagels? I'm buying!**

EVERYONE: Cool!

* * *

_**Next Interview: Ten Secrets You Didn't Know about Dumbledore's Army! **_


	5. Nargles, Hookers, and Drinking Games

**PART V: Ten Secrets You Never Knew About Dumbledore's Army**

* * *

"_Let's do this thing!"_

"_Are you a Nargle?"_

"_No, I'm Neville."_

"_Oh."_

"_What IS a freaking Nargle anyway?"_

"_Watch the mouth, Padma."_

"_Yes, Parvati."_

"_Can we please hurry up? My photos will be ready in about 2__0 minutes."_

* * *

**Secret #1: Luna's actually more sane than anyone else in Dumbledore's Army. **

PADMA: That's an insult.

PARVATI: Definitley.

NEVILLE: Agreed. That's wrong.

COLIN: Exactly.

LUNA: I agree too, that must be wrong.

* * *

**Secret #2: Neville has a crush on Padma. **

PADMA: Really?

NEVILL: Yes.

…………

NEVILLE: Would you like to go out with me?

PADMA: I guess so.

* * *

**Secret #3: Um…Colin is secretly working taking photos for Rita Skeeter.**

LUNA: Really?

COLIN: Yes. Smile for the Prophet! –Takes photo—

PARVATI: That's interesting.

* * *

**Secret #4: Okay…err…Neville's really Voldemort's son!**

NEVILLE: Can't rule it out, I suppose.

LUNA: Wow, what a secret!

COLIN: Smile! –Takes photo—

* * *

**Secret #5: Okay, you guys suck. **

PADMA: What do you mean?

**Everything I say you're just agreeing with and moving on!**

NEVILLE: Is that wrong?

**YES!!!! **

LUNA: Well, what should we do, then?

**I don't know! The Weasleys fought, The Marauders told stories, The Death Eaters even managed to promote their crap-ass compliation CD! Do SOMETHING!  
**

COLIN: Fine, then, don't be so testy! Just keep going and we'll do a better job next secret!

* * *

**Secret #6: The Room of Requirement is used as a Pub after lessons are over. **

NEVILLE: Oh yeah, sure! You didn't think we'd just WORK in our own private nook of the school did you?

LUNA: Exactly! After we finished lessons, we'd break out the booze and party to American rock music!

PARVATI: Ha, remember when we got Neville wasted, and we convinced him that he was married to Luna?

PADMA: Yes!

NEVILLE: No…was I ever wasted?

COLIN: You need to practice playing Quarters, Nev!

PARVATI: Next time, we'll play Neville Shots!

NEVILLE: How do you play that one?

PARVATI: Everytime someone talks, Neville downs a shot!

LUNA: Yeah!

NEVILLE: No…

PADMA: So…is that better?

**Yes, very much. **

LUNA: Good.

* * *

**Secret #7: Dumbledore's Army also doubles as a Hogwarts Drama Club. **

PADMA: Our first show is opening up on Friday next week!

LUNA: I'm starring in "The Nargles of Chronicia!"

NEVILLE: It's our own script and everything. The sets are pretty cool, and having Professor Snape sleepwalk around the school with a sign around his neck advertising the show was pretty cool.

COLIN: Why do I have to play the Nargle Princess?

PARVATI: Because you're the only one short enough to fit into the dress we made you.

COLIN: I hate my life.

* * *

**Secret #8: Neville doesn't really like Padma. I made that up. **

PADMA: You led me on?!

NEVILLE: I knew that sounded strange. But yeah, I did. Sorry.

PARVATI: Jerkwad.

NEVILLE: I'm going with someone already!  
LUNA: Who?

NEVILLE: Her name is Minnie, and she works as a prostitute in London.

PADMA: Prostitute…?

LUNA: …er…

COLIN: Hey, Nev, exactly how many dates did you go on with Minnie as of now?

NEVILLE: Just one, but she told me that whenever I was in town, I could look her up!

PARVATI: Uh…sorry, Nev, but you're most likely not going to see her again.

NEVILLE: What? D'oh…how could I be so stupid?!

COLIN: Because you're name is Neville Longbottom…

NEVILLE: Hey Padma, still wanna go out?

PADMA: No.

NEVILLE: Damnit.

* * *

**Secret #9: "D.A." doesn't always stand for "Dumbledore's Army."**

COLIN: That's true, it could also stand for "Dirty Army."

PADMA: And "District Attorney."

PARVATI; Why would it be "District Attorney?"

PADMA: I dunno. I just can't get enough Law & Order!

NEVILLE: Or "Dead Army."

PARVATI: Um, no, Neville. Not Dead Army! But it could also be "Da Awesomestarmyevah."

COLIN:……….

LUNA: Or "Nargles Adventure."

NEVILLE: Luna, Nargeles starts with "N."

LUNA: In your language, maybe.

NEVILLE: Uh….

* * *

**Secret #10: I'm never interviewing you guys again.**

PADMA: That's not a secret!

PARVATI: Why not?

**Because frankly, interviewing you guys is like interviewing a piece of pimento loaf. **

NEVILLE: Pimento loaf? I'm starved!

**Oy vey. Seriously, I should have left you guys up to Rita Skeeter. She could've actually made a story out of this crap. **

PADMA: Rita Skeeter's a desperate spinster who's married to her quill!

**She'd have you carrying Neville's baby for saying that. **

PADMA: Oh really?

COLIN: You want me to go get her for you?

**Uh, Colin…I made up that story about you working for Skeeter. She'd rather work with a dementor. **

COLIN: But…I…wanna…wooorrk! WAH! –cries—

LUNA: Now look what you did!

**Oh, stop blubbering! Fine, I'll get you a job!**

COLIN: Really? YAY!

**But you'll have to wear the dress to work every day.**

COLIN: I really hate my life.

* * *

_**Next Interview: Ten Things You Never Knew About The Teachers at Hogwarts!**_


	6. Hippies, Socks, and Chalupas

**PART VI: Ten Secrets You Never Knew About the Teachers at Hogwarts**

* * *

"_Now, what's this interview all about?"_

"_I hate you."_

"_I have papers to grade."_

"_I signed us up for this."_

"_You did, Albus?"_

"_Well, yes. The Order did it, and the Weasley children did this too."_

"_Is that why Charlie Weasley was covered in marinara sauce yesterday?"_

"_Yes, Minerva."_

"_And why Percy was swearing under his breath when I bumped into him in the street?"_

"_Yes, Professor Trelawney."_

"_And why every man in the Order seems to be making passes at Nymphadora Tonks a lot more lately?"_

"_Actually, no. She's just a whore."_

"_Oh."_

"_I hate you."_

* * *

**Secret #1: Albus Dumbledore has a secret fetish for socks.**

MINERVA: So, where did that start?

ALBUS: I've always had a fondness for socks, actually. My first every Christmas gift was a purple and green sock, and I named it Chalupa.

TRELAWNEY: Chalupa? I saw a chalupa in my crystal ball once…then I got ebola.

SNAPE: I hate you.

ALBUS: Yes, my dear Chalupa-Sock. She was my best friend for a long time.

MINERVA: Um, Albus, how could you tell it was a female sock?

ALBUS: You see, if you lift up the heel of the sock—

SNAPE: I hate you all.

* * *

**Secret #2: The Hogwarts School Rules are all a crock. **

TRELAWNEY: How very true. Rules are more of a metaphor…

MINERVA: I always thought they were to keep the students safe.

SNAPE: Screw those little pricks. The rules were made to keep them subservient to our authority.

ALBUS: For once, I'll have to agree with Severus. Homework…what home, honestly? They're ALWAYS at school! And be nice to each other? That's NOT what the real world is like! And as for using magic outside of school…yeah, that's just to bore the students to death so they actually WANT to come back to school!

TRELAWNEY: That secret goes the same for curfew.

ALBUS: I know! The sooner the kids are snorin', then the sooner the teachers are whorin'!

MINERVA: Whorin'?!

ALBUS: Sorry, I stink at rhyming.

TRELAWNEY: Maybe it was just bad timing.

ALBUS: In short, most of the rules at Hogwarts are bullshit. The end. Who wants cake?

* * *

**Secret #3: Professor Trelawney couldn't predict the end of a movie she'd seen twice. **

TRELAWNEY: I knew you'd say that.

ALBUS: Let's test that…predict something!

TRELAWNEY: Huh?

MINERVA: Go on! Sybil, predict something.

TRELAWNEY: Like what?

SNAPE: I hate you.

ALBUS: Just say the first thing you see…take you time.

TRELAWNEY: Let me meditate an answer….ohm…….ooooooooooohmmmmm….a whoop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-whoop-bam-boooooooooom………I SEE SOMETHING! Look out, SNAPE!

--a duck falls on Snape's head—

SNAPE: _NYAH_!

ALBUS: Mr. Flippers? What are YOU doing here, silly!

MINERVA: Well damn, I guess it worked!

TRELAWNEY: Score!

SNAPE: I hate everyone.

MR. FLIPPERS: Quack!

* * *

**Secret #4: Minerva McGonagall used to be a hippie. **

MINERVA: Crud, I was hoping that'd never get out!

ALBUS: You, Minerva, were a hippie?

MINERVA: Actually, my hippie name was "Serenity."

TRELAWNEY: What does that mean?

MINERVA: It means I had too much weed when I named myself.

ALBUS: No kidding?

MINERVA: I was the oldest person at Woodstock '69! I was named Queen Mother of the Potheads!

SNAPE: I hate you.

TRELAWNEY: So, you're a hippie! Fancy that!

MINERVA: No, NOW I'm fired.

* * *

**Secret #5: Professor Snape lika do da cha-cha. **

ALBUS:………..

MINERVA:………..

TRELAWNEY:……….

SNAPE: I hate you.

* * *

**Secret #6: Dumbledore and McGonagall are NOT, nor have EVER been, in love. **

ALBUS: Finally, we can put the rumors to rest. All those goofy fanfic writers who pair us up and have us have babies together named Ricky Ricardo are insane!

MINERVA: I know! It's appalling. Just because we're both single and have old-people's version of sex appeal doesn't mean we're having an affair!

SNAPE: I hate you.

ALBUS: Is there anything you DON'T hate?

TRELAWNEY: I see something!! OHM…..Minerva, when's the baby due?

MINERVA: What?

TRELAWNEY: You're carrying Albus' baby! When's she due?

MINERVA: That's impossible!

TRELAWNEY: How?

ALBUS: First of all, we never coupled!

MINERVA: Secondly, I went through menopause 55 years ago!

TRELAWNEY: I can't wait to see little Ruth Lily-Rose…

ALBUS: We know you're trying to screw up this interview.

SNAPE: Peanuts. I like peanuts.

* * *

**Secret #7: Professor Trelawney is married to Gilderoy Lockhart. **

TRELAWNEY: True.

ALBUS: Wait…who?

MINERVA: He taught Defense Against the Dark Arts Harry Potter's 2nd year.

ALBUS: It's odd how we all seem recall the years by how old Harry Potter was at the time.

TRELAWNEY: We were happily married…but the man was such a flirt, and he was a dingleberry with a wand. After he zapped himself with the Memory Charm and got locked up in St. Mungo's, I divorced him.

MINERVA: Really? Why?

TRELAWNEY: Because Lupin came the next year, and he's cuter.

SNAPE: God, how many chicks like Remus Lupin?!

MINERVA: Um….me?

TRELAWNEY: Me!

ALBUS: Me!

MINERVA: Wait…I never heard you got married!

TRELAWNEY: I got married the summer before Harry Potter's 2nd year.

ALBUS: Why so late? And why Lockhart?

TRELAWNEY: Because Quirell was lying as a pile of ash in the depths of the school, so he wouldn't make good babies.

* * *

**Secret #8: Dumbledore is 32 years old. **

MINERVA: I never would have guessed.

SNAPE: I hate you.

ALBUS: Yes, premature aging runs in my family.

MINERVA: Evidently so. I thought I was younger than you.

TRELAWNEY: How old are you?

MINERVA: That's my own private secret.

* * *

**Secret #9: Minerva McGonagall is 129 years old.**

MINERVA: Shit. I forgot this was a secret-revealing session.

ALBUS: Wow, this makes all those romance fics between us seem even grosser.

MINERVA: Shut it off.

SNAPE: I hate you.

**

* * *

**

**Secret #10: Snape loves you. **

SNAPE: Shut up.

ALBUS: I knew it!

SNAPE: No you didn't!

TRELAWNEY: Will you marry me, Snape?

MINERVA: Why?

TRELAWNEY: Because Mad Eye divorced me, and Umbridge is a girl. Snape's next in line!

ALBUS: What say you, Snape?

SNAPE: I hate you.

* * *

_**Next Interview: Ten Things You Never Knew About The Trio: Harry, Hermione, and Ron! **_


	7. Chickens, Slinkies, and World Domination

**Part VII: Ten Secrets You Never Knew About The Trio: Harry, Hermione, and Ron!**

_

* * *

_

"_Harry, I'm scared!"_

"_Oh Ron, you're always scared, you chicken-shit!"_

"_It's just an interview, Ron, no need to have a coronary."_

"_Shut up, twit."_

"_You shut up, carrot-top!"_

"_I love you."_

"_I love you too."_

"_Let's make out, okay?"_

"_Um…Hermione? Ron? Can we save the releasing of the hormones until AFTER the interview?"_

"_Sure."_

"_Whatever."_

_

* * *

_

**Secret #1: Ron is afraid of his own shadow. **

HERMIONE: I knew it, you wuss!

RON: Hey! Be fair okay? I thought my shadow was a werewolf that time!

HERMIONE: It WAS a werewolf! You got bitten by Remus Lupin last year after he found out you slept with Tonks!

RON: That wasn't me, it was my brother Bill, I swear! I would never have sex, ever!

HERMIONE: Prude!

RON: No!

HARRY: Heh, I'll just sit back and watch the fireworks…

* * *

**Secret #2: Crookshanks is Hermione's grandmother, who was accidentally zapped into cat form when Hermione was six. **

HERMIONE: Makes it easier to give grandmother her morphine.

RON: But she eats innocent rat-men!  
HERMIONE: Pettigrew was still in rat form at that time! Besides, she couldn't help it, she was hungry!

RON: Oh yeah? Well, what if Pig was hungry, would I have him eat you?

HERMIONE: No, because if you did, I would be mopping the floor of the girls' bathroom with your hair!

RON: I'd like to see you try!

HERMIONE: BOO!

RON: Ahhhh! –cowers—

HARRY: Now you see why I don't feel the need to pay for cable!

* * *

**Secret #3: Harry and Hermione both agree that Ron is the human equivalent of a slinky. **

RON: What?

HERMIONE: You're not really good for anything…

HARRY: But we can't help but smile to see you tumble down the stairs!

RON: So…you're gonna throw me down the stairs?

HERMIONE: Like we always do at noon on Sundays.

RON: Can I at least have lunch first?

HERMIONE: Only if you give me your torte like always.

RON: Fine, but I still don't see why I have to surrender my dessert.

HERMIONE: You KNOW the rules…

RON: --groans—no dessert until I lose my virginity.

HERMIONE: Right.

HARRY: I made that rule up!

HERMIONE: Which is why I need your torte too, Harry.

HARRY: Damn.

* * *

**Secret #4: Harry Potter isn't a hero at all. He's just a highly-paid actor hired by Hogwarts for dinner theater. **

HARRY: Right. Voldemort is played my Michael Jackson, and pretty much every Death Eater is an actor, too. So yeah, I try to scare the shit out of people from coming to school by making them think Lord Voldemort is going to rule the world.

HERMIONE: Then, how do you explain the changing of Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers every year?

HARRY: Easy. Quirell was too mousey, Lockhart was too cocky, Lupin was too dumpy, Mad Eye was a diva, and Umbridge was just trying to get out of doing more of those stupid Pepto-Bismol commercials.

HERMIONE: Is THAT why she wears so much pink?

HARRY: Exactly!

RON: I'd do Pepto-Bismol commercials if I was asked to.

HERMIONE: I think you'd be better suited for a Plastic Surgery commercial as the 'before' picture.

RON: You think so? Thanks!

HERMIONE: No problem!

* * *

**Secret #5: Ron's not wearing underwear. **

HERMIONE: Some secret…he never does.

RON: Hey! I'm too poor for underwear!

HERMIONE: Yeah, and I'm too magical for a bra, dipstick.

HARRY: So THAT'S why you're so flat! I thought it was because you were a gymnast!

* * *

**Secret #6: Hermione likes House Elves so much because she's planning to stage a revolt and take over the world with her elfish minions. **

HERMIONE: And it will work too, by 2028!

RON: I dunno…Hermione running the world? I'm afraid.

HERMIONE: My first act will be to feed your brain to the elves and remind them of how YOU tried to stop me from freeing them!

HARRY: Ooh…I'd pay a galleon to see THAT!

RON: Shut up, Harry.

HARRY: BOO!

RON: Gah! –cowers again—

* * *

**Secret #7: Ron and Hermione are going to get married, and they know it!**

HERMIONE: I know it but I don't believe it!

RON: Me either!

HERMIONE: Neither.

RON: What?

HERMIONE: Me NEITHER.

RON: You neither what?

HERMIONE: Oh forget it, you mongoose.

RON: If that's anything like a bee, I'm allergic.

HARRY: Okay, now all we need is a red-jello pit and two giant cotton swabs, and we have ourselves a tournament!

HERMIONE: No way! It's gotta be BLUE jello, Harry! BLUE!

HARRY: Fine.

* * *

**Secret #8: Harry wishes he were an Oscar Meyer weener. **

HARRY: For that is all I truly want to be.

HERMIONE: Sorry Harry, but the only weenie around here is Ron.

HARRY: Damn.

RON: Hey! My mom said that Charlie's the only one with a gland disorder in the family!

GINNY: --leans in from out of nowhere—Overkill! –barfs a slug and quickly disappears—

HERMIONE: Where did she come from?

HARRY: She was hot!

RON: She ralphed a slug in my lap. I think I'll name it Herman.

* * *

**Secret #9: Ron takes waltz classes. **

HARRY: No surprise there.

HERMIONE: I caught him and Neville once dancing together…and Neville was leading!

HARRY: Really? Is he on top, too?

RON: I hate my life.

* * *

**Secret #10: Believe it our not, Ron's not gay. **

RON: Damn straight! Percy's the gay one!

**He's bisexual. **

RON: Oh, come on! I kissed Neville that ONE time!

HERMIONE: Great, now I'm going to end up marrying a sexually-confused twinkletoes virgin! I'd rather marry my cat!

HARRY: That would make you your own grandfather, wouldn't it?

HERMIONE: I don't really know…

HARRY: BOO!

RON: YARGH –cowers even more—

HARRY: Pathetic how we've done that three times in the past 10 minutes and he still cowers!

HERMIONE: He needs a sex change.

HARRY: Or less dance lessons.

RON: Mommy!

* * *

_**Well, folks, that'll be all for now! Glad you enjoyed this so much! **_


End file.
